Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Dear Baby Jesus

Michele McDannold is corn fed and redneck bred. She has an extensive collection of flannel and rubber chicken heads. A devoted member of the Cult of the Honey Badger, she is also the Head Copywriter for the popular Watchtower pamphlets.

Thank you for the best childhood ever

for the nicely manicured lawns

dutifully tended to every Sunday

after church

for the sun tea baking on the porch

and the strawberries in the patch

Thank you, baby jesus

for the community free of minorities

and forward thinking

for the streets free of gang violence

for the jehovah's witness even

and the evangelists

thank you for putting the shame on

all those unwed and/or single mothers,

those people with the weak-minded mental illnesses

and the ghastly homosexuals

in general, just thank you so much

for putting a clamp down

on all the SEX stuff

I didn't know what my period was

until I got it one day in gym

that kinda sucked

but thank you

and maybe while you were hiding

all the dildos and other adult fun

you could have taught the old people

not to stick their fingers and whatnot

in the young people

that would have been nice
but oh well

maybe that's why Joe's uncle

is also his dad

I never met anyone conceived from incest before


thank you, baby jesus

and thank you for teaching the parents to beat their children

spare the rod, spoil the child!

Susie never would have developed that limp otherwise

it's only about fifty feet from the bar to the motel anyway

I know. I know

some people want to give all the credit to Satan


the Devil


he's busy with wars


and shit

he wants the glory of all those big fatality numbers

you.. you are oh so patient

killing them softly and gently

with shitty lives contrived of stifling rules...

call it morality!

Shame, shame

the bent and twisted

call it love


I want you to have all the credit

saving us all from the fires of hell

I can pray to you for forgiveness

I can pray to you for the Friday night football game

we can all join hands and pray pray pray

then sing the star spangled banner

oh, thank you, baby jesus

for making me an American

thank you for making us better

than every other nation in the world

so what if we drop in rankings

in education

economic freedom

global competitiveness

and innovation

we are responsible for FACEBOOK

Honey Boo Boo

and taco shells made out of Doritos!

this is all thanks to you, baby jesus

taking the time to give us all some


(that's what the reverend said)

personality suppression to the point of psychosis!

Tea Parties – Yay!

I have more rights to my guns

than my own body!!

sweet baby jesus

thank you for

Women that know their place

in dresses

in kitchens

in the delivery room

children, children, children

let's have more babies, baby jesus!

Every last one of them precious

until they learn to breathe

in the polluted

but free as all fuck

liberty-laced air




  1. This is so powerful Michele! The images, emotions, tastes, smells, are "spot on"! Absolutely loved it.

  2. Wonderful irreverence!