Justin Grimbol went to Green Mountain College, where he majored in Partying. He dropped out after four years and then wrote some books. THE CRUD MASTERS is his most recent work. He likes books. He also likes butts.
Ned logged on to facebook to stalk his dead wife. He clicked on her profile pics and found a shot of her sitting on Benjamin Franklin’s lap. She was drunk and wearing the tiniest skirt he had ever seen. He looked at more pics. Heaven looked rowdy. He had hoped that Heaven would be a like one long yoga class. Instead it seemed like a massive keg party.
There was one pic where she was doing a keg stand, with Chris Farley holding her upside down. Her shirt hung over her face. Her big titties dangled. There was another pic of the two kissing. Chris Farley was his favorite actor. Now whenever he watched one of his movies he would think of him boinking his dead, drunk wife. He was devastated.
That’s it, he decided. I can’t take it anymore.
He deleted his dead wife from her friends list.
For a moment he felt better. A weight had been lifted. Then he decided maybe a little too much weight had been lifted. He wanted it back.
He tried to re-friend her. But it wasn’t that simple. She had to accept he friend request.
He waited and hoped for her to accept the request. “Come on, come on!” he mumbled to himself. An hour passed. She hadn’t accepted his request.
It was late, but he was too anxious to sleep. “WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?” he yelled at his computer screen. “JUST ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRULE? YOU BITCH!”
He folded down his lap top and took a deep breath. “Ok Ned, get a hold of yourself,” he said.
He waddled to the kitchen and made himself a massive ice-cream Sunday and turned on his favorite Rocky movie, the one where he fights off the zombie apocalypse. The movie calmed him down a little. He used to love comedies, but his wife had been hooking up with all his favorite dead comedians and now he found he couldn’t watch anything but horror movies.
The volume was too loud. It woke his daughter. She stumbled to the living room and snuggled up with him on the couch.
“Honey, it’s four in the morning,” Ned said. “It’s way passed your bed time.”
“I just want to watch a little bit of the movie,” she said.
“Ok, just a little bit.”
She next to him and watched the movie.
When she fell back to sleep he carried her into her bed and tucked her in.
He loved her hair. It was red and long like her mothers.
CARVING OLD GODS
He stabbed the knife into the pumpkin’s head. Blood poured out of the wound. Luckily, he had put plenty of new paper on the kitchen table.
“Where does all this blood come from?” the boy asked his mother.
“Fuck if I know.”
“Is it the blood of all the dead children.”
“No, of course not. That’s sick.”
“Is it the blood of ancient forgotten gods.”
“Is it blood from the center of the earth.”
“The center of the earth isn’t made out of blood, it’s made out of lava.”
“Is it the pumpkin having its period.”
“Don’t be such a pig.”
“Then what is it then.”
His mother took a long pull off her cigarette. She exhaled and looked at the smoke like she could find truth in it.
“Fuck, I don’t know. Maybe it is having its period. It doesn’t matter.”
The boy smiled then dug his hand into the pumpkins guts. It felt nice and warm. He loved it. He wished he could carve open something bigger.
He faced his congregation and took out his wiener. It was a massive wiener. It was the most massive wiener the world had ever seen.
Each man from the congregation walked up to their minister and fucked his gaping pee hole. No one lasted very long. Merely the idea of fucking a massive cock was so arousing they came as soon as they put it in his slimy hole.
Once the massive wiener was filled with his congregations semen, the reverend walked to the alter and lied down. The congregation sat around him and sang old campfire songs and watches as the reverend masturbated.
“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…”
They prayed for their mighty leader to reach orgasm. They had done this every Sunday for two years. The reverend had never been able to reach orgasm. It was as if his dick was constipated.
“Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream…”
This day was different.
“What’s that noise?” one of the men asked.
The reverends penis made a strange rumbling. It sounded as if a train was charging forward, carrying cargo from the deepest part of his soul.
Could the prophecies be true? They wondered.
“This is going to be gross,” another man said.
“Should we tell him to stop?”
For years they had prayed for this day to come, but now that the promised day was upon them they were filled with terror. They enjoyed their little routine. They enjoyed fucking the reverends mighty cock hole. They enjoyed singing and watching him masturbate endlessly.
“Don’t do it!” one man yelled to the reverend.
“I’m sorry!” the reverend responded.
They watched as a mushroom cloud of jizz erupted from his cock. It had been a sunny day, but now the sky grew thick with jizz clouds.
They stared up at the gooey clouds in awe.
The rumbling sound no longer came from the reverends cock. It came from above them.
“Dear lord have mercy!” a man yelled.
The jizz poured from the sky.
“ICKY!” one man yelled. “It’s so icky!”
It didn’t soak into the ground like normal rain. Soon it was up to their knees.
“To the boat!” another member the congregation yelled.
They ran through the sticky jizz toward the boat they had been living in for years. It was intended to be an arc. It was supposed to save them when the prophecies came true and the jizz tsunami cover the Earth. For the past ten years they had been treating it like it was nothing more than apartment building and they were not sure if it could actually function as a boat, the way they had initially intended it too.
By the time they got there, the jizz was up to their chests.
“It’s locked,” one man said as he tugged on the door knob.
They looked up and saw their wives standing at the windows. One of the women opened her window. It was the lead wifey.
“You are no longer needed,” she called out to them. “Go be with your savior.”
The men begged her to have mercy. The lead wife shook her head and walked away from their windows.
Jizz gathered. Soon they were floating in stormy sea of their own man juice.
The boat was also floating in the jizz. Its motor started. The massive arc sped away.
“Come back!” they begged.
They tried to swim after it. But it moved too quickly. They were soon engulfed in the milky white waves.