Monday, December 2, 2013

Living Next to a Psychopath / Single-Use and Disposable

Nathaniel Tower lives in the Twin Cities with his wife and daughter. After teaching high school English for nine years, he has decided to pursue a career in writing/publishing/editing. His fiction has appeared in over two hundred online and print journals. His first collection of fiction, Nagging Wives, Foolish Husbands, will be released later this year through Martian Lit. In 2011, MuseItUp Publishing released his first novel, A Reason to Kill, followed a year later by his first novella, Hallways and Handguns. Nathaniel is the founding and managing editor of Bartleby Snopes Literary Magazine and Press. When he’s not doing writerly things, he likes to joggle (juggle and run simultaneously). Find out more about Nathaniel at

Living Next to a Psychopath

My neighbor is a creep. I'm sure of it. I don't know if he's into murder or mutilation or small children or bestiality or house plants, but I know he's up to something grotesque. I get sick just looking at him.

Whenever I see these news stories about the murderers and the pedophiles, even the completely crazy ones that chop up their lovers and their babies and stuff them in the piano, they always interview these people that say "He was a normal guy" or "I never would've expected this." And then they show the picture of the guy and he is this absolute freak with some deranged expression that says I chop up my lovers and babies and stuff them in the piano. Well, when they interview me about my neighbor, I won't look so damn naive. I'll say I always suspected he was up to something. Maybe I'll even say that I was about to investigate it myself just when the cops came over and arrested his crazy ass. 

While I wait for my big moment on the news interviews, I'll be on the lookout for whatever weird shit he has up his sleeve. Like that garbage bag he tossed outside just a minute before the garbage man came. It was probably filled with human fingers. Maybe a few toes as well. But not genitals. He doesn't look like he'd be into that. 

Single-Use and Disposable

A friend of mine asked me if I would fuck Sasha Grey if I had a single-use disposable dick. I didn't know who Sasha Grey was, so I told him I'd get back to him.

Later that day I spent hours watching a woman get pounded in the ass simultaneously by what I could only make out to be giant tree stumps. I decided after that I wouldn't have sex with her no matter what kind of penis I had.

When I told him I wouldn't, he asked me who I would.

"Am I married?" I asked.

"What's it matter," he said. "It's disposable. It's not a dick you share with your wife."

I told him I'd get back to him and went home and made a list, in no particular order of preference:
Courtney Love
The Lunch Lady from 3rd grade
Jessica Simpson (at her current weight, maybe even a few pounds heavier)
Janet Reno
Sarah Jessica Parker
Mother Theresa
Ruth Bader Ginsberg
Hillary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky (not at the same time, just with the same disposable dick, one right after the other)

Looking over my list, I couldn't help but feel disappointed.  I thought about adding Miley Cyrus to it, but there was something about her that just freaked me out too much.

When I showed him my list, he asked what was wrong with me. I asked what it mattered. It was a disposable dick, after all. A little embarrassed, I folded the list and put it in my wallet.

"How much do these things cost?" I asked.

"I don't know. Like $25. But they would stop the spread of venereal disease. I guess you wouldn't get any pleasure though. Other than the emotional pleasure of conquering those women."

I pulled out my wallet again and saw the $13 dollars tucked away next to my list. Disappointed, I crumbled up the list and threw it away.

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